ChompTimesNom gets NAKED

Wait what?

Incoming review!

When I was dieting, (before it all went wrong) I was pretty damn happy to make the discovery of konjac/shirataki noodles. For many who have heard of these products, they may shriek back in horror and run. For those of you who aren’t familiar with these things, they are a kind of noodle made from konjac root.

Popular for their insane nutritional properties of virtually no calories, carbs, fat but plenty of fibre, they get a bad name for their texture and smell. Granted, if you were expecting them to taste and behave like normal egg noodles, I’m not surprised you were upset. But if you take them for what they are, I see no difference between having them and typical Asian style rice noodles you may find in dishes such as Ho Fun.

I’ve tried various versions by many brands and they’re still a huge part of my diet as they’re so quick and versatile; but the one I’m here to talk about today is the Barenaked range, the UK’s first high protein pasta and only high protein and low carb.


Indecent Exposure

Barenaked noodles came about in 2011 and was mostly unheard of until August 2013 when creator, Ross Mendham appeared on the 11th series of Dragon’s Den with his proposal. Stripped of his confidence though he was, he successfully received an investment from Peter Jones and now the noodles are available from the home website and is now even provided in UK stores such as Holland and Barrett and GNC.
You can see Ross’s moment in the sun here:

In The Buff! 


As you can see by the picture, they don’t quite resemble traditional konjac noodles. They’re thicker and noticeably more coloured than the original ones. This is what separates the Barenaked range from the ones you may have previously tried. The texture, though still chewy is more reminiscent of egg noodles, and I think this is probably to do with the presence of oat and soy flour in the ingredients, which creates a softness to the noodle, so is less of shock when you’re used to that of pasta. They’re not quite “twirlable” and to cut them with a knife is naturally more challenging as they are still slightly gelatinous.

What’s always been great about konjac or shirataki noodles is the ability to absorb flavour. Barenaked’s range I find don’t soak up quite as much when left in, for example, a soup broth. I find it to be more suited to drier dishes such as stir frys and is much superior for Italian pasta sauces than shirataki. It grips onto sauces well but remains light and bouncy so they don’t become saturated or soggy. In other words, they need a little dressing.

Enough dreadful puns, let’s divest the facts (last one, I promise)

In the world of fitness, health, diet and weight loss carbohydrates have been giving a bad name and deemed to make us fat. This isn’t inherently true, and I find diets that abolish these foods extremely annoying. However, carbs are very easy to overeat and are generally not as filling as fats and proteins. Utilised properly, carbs can be extremely beneficial to body builders and even those just trying to lose weight, but in the meantime, why not just cut the calories and opt for Barenaked noodles with the following nutrition:

JpegPer 100g:
Calories 8kcal
Protein 0.3
Fat 0.1
Carbohydrate 0.1
Sugars 0.1
Dietary Fibre 3.4g
Sodium 2mg

Ingredients: Konjac flour, Oatmeal flour (gluten free) soya bean fibre, food grade calcium hydroxide, water.

With pasta and noodle dishes, it’s often the whopping portion size of the noodle that brings the calories, so with this you could still enjoy your favourite sauces!

Even better than the above, Barenaked have recently produced a protein enriched version of the noodles. Now, I love meat and protein powder as much as the next person but my favourite pasta sauces are actually vegetable ones. Seeing as dinner is my biggest meal of the day, unless I eat loads of meat for breakfast or lunch, I just won’t hit my targets, which when trying to build muscle is crucial. This is where Barenaked Protein Noodles are one of my favourite store cupboard items.

prPer 100g
Calories: 18kcal
Protein 2.7g
Fat 0.1g
Carbohydrates 0.1g
Sugars 0.1g
Dietary fibre 3.4g
Salt 0.9g

Ingredients: Konjac flour, Soya bean flour, food grade calcium hydroxide (firming agent) water

As expected, the calorie count is increased with the added protein, but you’re looking at approximately 50 calories for your pasta, you can’t really complain!


I swear by the Barenaked range. They’re always there for a quick and tasty meal and reassure me I’m eating healthily. I am having to completely start from scratch and re-learn how to eat as a child does, and honestly these have been one of my saving graces to break me into a normal style of eating. Even when I feel I am over my disordered eating however, I will still rely on these particularly for those cutting phases. As I said, there’s nothing wrong with carbs if you know when to stop, but as a very greedy Italian I don’t have a full-o-metre when it comes to my pasta. As much as I like other konjac noodle ranges, they just don’t compare to Barenaked’s resemblance to pasta. They will never replace pasta fully for me, but in the meantime, they fill me up and keep my mind at peace. Ross, you’re a lifesaver.

Pros: Low calorie, low fat, low carb, high fibre, (protein range) high protein, quick and easy to cook.

Cons: Will never be like real taste or texture, price. All konjac noodles slap your wallet around a bit, unfortunately, and the Barenaked range cost £2.99 in Holland and Barrett while other brands start from £1.99. Considering the extra care that’s put into them, I find it reasonable and am happy to spend that amount, but it doesn’t change my personal salary or necessary bill payments – which is why I consider it a con.

You can learn more about the range and history of Barenaked on their website; Go on! Fill yer’ bowl!

For instructions on how to cook these wonderful noms see my post on my Instant Inside-Out Lasagne:


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I wrote this at work~

So here’s a brief update of my life.

From the stress, all my defenses are down and I am often feeling ill. On Saturday I went to visit the Frankfurt Market in Birmingham with my mum (total waste of time if you ask me. I mean, I expect the market to have sausage and beer but not 90% of the stalls to be that. By the fuss that’s made from it I expected it to go on for streets and have stalls upon stalls of various traditional German Christmas goodies, not glorified bars and hot dog stands) and in how busy everything was couldn’t grab much to eat. We wanted Nando’s but as the queue was going on from way outside the restaurant we decided to look for somewhere else, and luckily “Eat” (one of our favourites – always a safe place) was open and with a new beef soup! It was delicious and after skipping breakfast it was even nicer. As the day went on, I didn’t hold back on any free samples and had plenty of chocolates and breads. Sometime in the afternoon though my stomach started churning and while on the way back home I felt an awful wave of heat and nausea and came very close to collapsing on a small and horrifically packed train. My stomach’s been cramping on and off since, my appetite is gone and I can’t eat a lot at a time which is not very helpful really considering I’m trying to eat more.

Speaking of eating more, I recently won a macro plan from Simon Roshdy of The Diet Kitchen, Lovely and helpful lad has given me an easier goal to reach and when hearing my situation, has so kindly decided to take me on as a full client. I feel really lucky to be offered this and extremely grateful, it’s people like that that make things easier and less daunting to face especially with Christmas coming up.

Speaking of nutritionists, you may remember when I posted  I mentioned I had a nutritionist. Her name is Magda and she worked at my local gym. I owe a lot to Magda for starting the ball rolling on my recovery. Were it not for her I would probably be on my 600 calorie and cardio fuelled lifestyle. On Saturday night it was her leaving do, she decided to move in with her boyfriend by the seaside and I’ll never see her again. I couldn’t stay long at the pub due to my stomach causing me so much pain to do anything involving movement and for another reason.

Sunday morning was my grading for my yellow belt in Kickboxing. I am an extremely nervous person and any form of test has my nerves rattled and my confidence shaken. I make stupid mistakes because of it- it’s awful. Add stomach discomfort and a strong desire to throw up and you’re begging for disaster. Being kicked in the stomach repeatedly when you want to vomit is not fun. At all. As such tonight (Monday) I feel awful for missing my usual lesson because I’m worried what my stomach might do. Anyway,I have no idea how, but I managed to get it together, turn up t the grading…and pass! Whoop!


It just reinforces how much I love it though. Getting to know people never hurts either. That was the worst part of having to leave Magda’s leaving do so early – I was hoping to talk to some familiar faces from the gym and maybe even make friends. In Hinckley I pretty much don’t have anyone.

Speaking of what I don’t have anymore…skinniness. I know my goal has been to put on weight but I honestly feel physically repulsed looking at my body right now. I have love handles, my thighs jiggle when I walk and I miss my ribs so fucking much.



Linguine Frutti Di Mare with Focaccia

So meal of the week! This entry features the Linguine Frutti di Mare I made for my family a couple of weeks back (as I’m so far behind this is the only iconic thing I can think of). My family and I have been having movie nights as a cheap way of doing something together – we take it in turns each Friday and choose a film for us all to watch and they also choose what we eat which I will cook. My dad’s choice was a seafood pasta. I’ve gotta say I was really impressed with myself! The bread you can see is some gluten free focaccia by a small business called Focaccia per Tutti. It is honestly the best tasting focaccia I’ve had in my life – please give her business 🙂
My MOTW was a stupidly simple recipe so not sure if it’s worth posting but if you would like it hen feel free to request and of course please check my Photobucket and request anything you like the look/sound of or even request something totally random! I’m good at meal makeovers so don’t hesitate guys.

Smile for me,
Ansi xx

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ChompTimesNom! Coconut Milk Free Healthy Thai Green Curry, featuring Peanut Butter

So I got a request from the same lovely lady who asked for the Zucchini Brownies. Here’s to you, Kate!

I decided one day I needed Thai Green Curry and I also required peanut butter (ever get those random cravings?) so therefore I had to make a big batch and make my family have it too.

The following recipe will feed a family of 4, or 3 very greedy Italians.

You will need!
>4 Chicken breasts – roughly 500-600g
> Fat Free Greek Yogurt 200g (See Note 1)
>1 large onion
>2-5 cloves of garlic (see Note 2)
>1 large zucchini/courgette (my heritage makes me so torn on what I should call these)
>Handful of large white mushrooms – about 100g
>Handful of frozen mixed peppers – about 100g or about 1 and a half fresh bell peppers
>Handful of frozen green beans – about 100g
>About 6 balls of frozen spinach, or a bag of pre packaged fresh spinach.
>Half a jar of Blue Dragon Thai Green Curry Paste (See Note [more defence] 3)
>1 Reduced Salt Chicken Oxo Cube
>Coconut Flour – 20g (I used Tiana’s)
>Coconut Oil – 13g (I used Bulk Powders) (See Note 4)
>ALL NATURAL Crunchy Peanut Butter – 75g (I used Bulk Powders) (See Note 4)
>Ground Ginger
>Dried Corriander

Sorry in advance for the lack of pictures for this one, I’ll try and remember to take more as I cook in anticipation 🙂

Thai Green Peanut Curry

Thai Green Peanut Curry


Unless you were clever enough to buy already diced/sliced/chopped chicken breast then carefully slice the breasts into desired size and shapes. Make sure you clean your hands and surfaces after touching raw chicken (but you probably already knew that 😉 ).

Take a spoonful of coconut oil and melt it in the pot. Only about 5g will be needed at the moment. Tip the chicken in and stir until they’re cooked. If they start to dry out, feel free to add more oil but I didn’t find this necessary at all. The good thing about coconut oil is that it goes a long way.
Once cooked, start adding your chopped vegetables. I used courgette, mushrooms, onion and garlic. Other veg that would work could be potato, swede, aubergine, peas, it’s really up to you, this is just what I had at hand.

Add the frozen peppers and green beans. And stir (these will take care of themselves, just leave them to it ^_^)

Make up about 100 ml of chicken stock – I used reduced salt because…well if I can help myself just that little bit for no extra effort I will. Pour that to the mixture and turn the heat off.

Once it’s cooled a little bit, add your yogurt. I found the Asda’s more liquidy version aided in making sure the yogurt didn’t curdle or separate in the mixing pot. If it does curdle, it’s not a massive tragedy but it’s not to be desired. Just scoop out the larger curdles. Alternatively you could use fat free cream cheese. Turn the heat back on and keep low.

It’s up to you how much curry paste you use according to how spicy you like it. The jar advises it’s to be used for 8 people, so I used about ½ the jar for my family. If you’re not sure, add a teaspoon and stir and taste at a time to get the right amount for you. If you put too much in just add more yogurt to counter it. The sauce should be quite liquidy, not thick so add water as you go as it will reduce. Slowly increase the temperature as you do this. At this point, I advise you add the frozen balls of spinach.

Add dried ginger and coriander to taste. I like a lot herbs and spices in my food so the spice box is my favourite kitchen toy. I also added some garlic ganules and a fair amount of pepper.



Taste it. If you want a bit more of a coconut flavour I advise adding more oil and some coconut flour for a touch of sweetness but this is completely optional, as is the next step. I have nothing against coconut milk, but I know my family aren’t as keen so this is how I achieve just a light touch of coconut (which compliments the dish so perfectly).

I’m addicted to peanut butter. I could eat it all day every day, just on its own and I don’t even need a spoon, just my hands. Because of this, a generous amount to the mixture the very first time I made this. Sadly, the flavour didn’t carry through as well as I’d hoped, and I could have achieved the same by a last minute generous dollop of crunchy all natural pb. Stir it through til it’s melted aaaand you’re done!

Best Enjoyed with Chopsticks

Best Enjoyed with Chopsticks

And Maybe a Little More Light

And Maybe a Little More Light

I served it with brown rice, and I had a cheeky spring roll too (but I’ll let Asda take the credit for them). You could also serve with noodles or just have it on its own!

Total: Calories: 1,649 Protein:
Per Serving: 412 54 14 15 6

You can find this recipe on My Fitness Pal under ChompTimesNom Thai Green Peanut Curry

Note 1: For this I used Asda’s own small pot of fat free greek yogurt. I prefer using Total Fage or Liberte or  Chobani normally as these are thicker, as Greek Yogurt is meant to be, but

Note 2: The intensity of the garlic flavour will alter according to how you chop it. Once you chop a garlic clove, all the flavours and scents are released, and the more you chop, the more that’s released. If you want a strong taste of garlic in there, then very finely dice the cloves. If you prefer just a delicate flavour, larger chunks are fine.

Note 3: Now, I usually never allow a pre mixed sauce from a jar to go near my cooking (ESPECIALLY ITALIAN!!!) but because my knowledge of Thai food is limited and I was short of time, I bought this Blue Dragon Thai Green Curry Paste.

Note 4: I recommend (and others – but for this recipe this is just who I’d recently bought my protein from) for these products. Cheap and excellent quality! If you would like to order from them, feel free to use my referral code: AP81028.

Smile for me,
Ansi xx

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Redundancy, Constants and Curry

As some of you know, I have started a new job. Let me start by saying, I’m a creative person. I like to write (or did anyway), sketch, play with makeup, play games involving life decisions, etc etc. I love learning new things, but having said this I am not an academic. I wish I was, but I’m not a logical person.
So. This new job. I am now on a finance team and work with Microsoft Excel a lot. Sounds good for me right? /endsarcasm.

Well I’ve been at it a month now. The company I work for recently made a lot of the company redundant, but luckily because I had already secured my new job in Finance it didn’t effect me. It has effected people I have grown to care for though, and it genuinely pains me to know that they have to go through that. There’s nothing I can do about it. Usually I don’t get too emotional about these things now but I have found myself really hurt by this happening to people that helped me feel welcome and find my place in the company.

That’s not all that’s going on. I’m trying to work things out with my life and cling onto my family as much as possible. I just can’t help but worry about them.

Struggle number 3 involves me losing so much control over my sugar intake. I’m not even thinking now. I see it. I eat it. I’m terrified.

Some of you may remember my blog post on Constants. I was supposed to see mine today, til he told me he would be bringing his girlfriend. It hurt so much to hear. It hurt more that I couldn’t face it and said I wouldn’t meet him. It hurt more he asked me why it was a problem.

So life is total swings and roundabouts as usual but hey, Christmas is coming up and I am DETERMINED to enjoy it. Food and all.

Enough of being miserable; hey look, Thai Green Curry!


I am going to include a “Fuds of the Week” for each blog post from now on. This is my take on a Thai Green Curry (with PEANUT BUTTER!!). It tasted absolutely wonderful and was easily made healthy with the aid of Greek Yogurt (I use this incredibly often in cooking). If you like the look of it and want the recipe I shall do so for my next post. If not, maybe next week’s FOTW will be more appealing to you 🙂

Catch you next time!

Smile for me,
Ansi xx

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ChompTimesNom! Healthy Brownies Inside


No thanks to my normal readers, I FINALLY got a recipe request. Though I’m trying to get better, I still relentlessly calorie count on MyFitnessPal, but on there I get some of the best support from other people in recovery. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without those ladies who can be there for me my friends can’t.


So thank you, dear ^_^

Anyway, here goes for my first recipe request: Zucchini Brownies. These brownies are really rather natural! They contain no butter or oil, no unnatural sugar and are gluten free.

This is my adaptation of the famous ChocolateCoveredKatie’s Zucchini Brownies (you can find her recipe here:

So here goes!

You will need:

  • 100g of courgette
  • One large ripe banana 
  • 150g Quark (I used Lake District’s) *See Note 1
  • 20g Milled Flax Seed (I used Prewett’s)
  • 70g of Cocoa Powder (I used Cadbury’s Bournville)
  • 100g Coconut Flour (I used Tiana’s)
  • 100ml milk (I used skimmed cow’s milk) *See Note 2
  • 50g Liquid Egg Whites (I used Two Chicks) *See Note 3
  • 250ml water
  • 1tsp Vanilla Extract
  • 1/2 tsp Baking Powder
  • 25g Pure Honey *See Note 4


  1. Using a normal cheese grater, grate the courgette into shreds. It may create a bit of mush and water but that’s completely fine.
  2. Chop the banana into small pieces OR mash up it with a fork and add that to the courgette. Make sure the banana is very ripe or the brownies will be on the bitter side.
  3. Pour in the milled flax seeds and stir thoroughly.
  4. At this point the mixture will be lumpy and probably quite dry depending on whether you mashed the banana or not. Don’t panic though.
  5. Add the Quark and coat it over the entire mixture so far before adding the cocoa powder.
  6. Now add in the coconut flour. The batter should be dry, clumpy and sticky (and look absolutely foul….a little like this)
  7. Now it’s time to add your milk and egg white. Mix again until it starts to smooth out a little.
  8. Now add in the last bits – the vanilla and the baking powder and the honey. It should look like this:
  9. If your mixture is still too dry, add a cup of water at around 250ml. And now! It’s time to blend. I used a hand blender but if you have a food processor or some other fancy gadget that’s cool too, you’re just looking to break down the strands of courgette and lumps of banana.
  10. When the mixture is smooth, give it a taste, cause this is the part where you can add little extras. If it’s too bitter I recommend adding more banana or honey, dried prunes, applesauce or stevia to keep it natural. If that doesn’t fuss you then add some caster sugar, splenda, or even melted chocolate!
  11. If it is sweet enough but it’s still missing something then here’s a few suggestions:

>Chopped almonds/walnuts/pecans/pistachios/brazil nuts/ hazelnuts
>Dried fruits like raisins or cranberries or dates
>All natural peanut or almond butter
>Chocolate Chips
>Instant coffee granules
>Chocolate bars or sweeties
>Crushed oat cakes
>Crispy cereals.

12.  When you’re happy with the taste and texture, pour into a lined baking tray (or if you’re clever enough, get a silicone one).


You’ll want to bake these for around half an hour at a preheated oven of 190C. Be sure to keep an eye on them though. Because they’re made of Quark, they stay moist inside for very long. If it looks like the top is burning but the inside is still liquid, then Move them to the bottom of the oven and watch over until you’re happy.
Once they’re done, take them out and leave them to cool before attempting to hack them up. I made 16 from mine, but you can have 12 or even 9 if you prefer bigger brownies.

And that’s it! You have some delicious brownies that are almost good for you!


Macros: (According to my ingredients and brands at 16)

Total: 1,103 calories 67
Per one out of 16 brownies: 69 4 2 6 4 4

Not bad huh?

NOTE 1: If you don’t have Quark or don’t eat cheese then fat free Greek Yogurt will do just as well. I recommend Fage Total 0%.
NOTE 2: If you don’t want to use cow’s milk then almond and coconut is also fine. They may even compliment the flour better.
NOTE 3: 50g liquid egg whites is the equivalent of around 3 large egg whites. You could use one whole egg if you would like but this will alter the constancy.
NOTE 4: I added honey to mine because my bananas were a bit underripe for this recipe so it is optional, but I thought it added a nice touch to them just for a very subtle flavour.


Enjoy your guilt free ChompTimesNom 🙂 You can find these on the MyFitnessPal food database, just search ChompTimesNom Healthy Bownies.

Don’t forget to check my Photobucket regularly to request more!

Smile for me
Ansi xx

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Another Update and a Request

Hi all!

Just a quickie just to say I’m still waiting on recipe requests. I’ve updated the food folder to include a description of what the meal is. If it sounds good to you then ASK HOW I MADE IT. I can’t start this without knowing the kind of things you want to see. I’ve asked nicely, now please just get your acts together 😉 help me out.

In other news, after near enough having a breakdown when my parents bought a pack of biscuits I have decided to seek professional help. Turns out I can’t handle this on my own.

This week I have had my first cold in two years. Exercise and healthy food fixed my terrible immune system two years ago, stress with work and my own battles has broken that down and made me ill. I’ve had to drop a workout this week which makes me feel SO guilty but I can’t breathe too well at the moment and if I faint in the gym I’m not sure they’ll let me back right away lol. Trying to smile through everything 🙂 Today I will be making some Protein French Toast (without any real egg!) and then I’m hoping to do some baking. I’m thinking of making my own low carb cereal (but this might have to wait til next week when I have more peanut butter) and some Banana Protein Muffins 🙂

Smile for me,
Ansi xx

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My AyaCon2013

Well my Italy post may take me a while due to waiting to obtain my familys’ pictures so as per the lovely Alain’s request here is the AyaCon2013 post.

I’m going to keep this quite short and sweet as I can’t even remember that much of it! (ohthealcoholconsumption).

On Friday we arrived while the rain was falling and had to follow a shoddy map with our suitcases to attempt to find our accommodation. I was cold, soaked and very very moody. It was somewhat reminiscent of ALcon2009 (my first con) when we experienced disasters such as missing buses, heels falling off shoes, smashing a bottle of vodka and running over an already dead frog with a suitcase. I didn’t have the best hope for Aya at this point. We couldn’t check in til 3 so we changed in the toilets and my lovelies – Kayt and Lizzie and Ricey aided me in a fuzzy “just-walked-in-the-rain” hair disaster. These 3 should get a medal for putting up with my hormone related moodswings from my ED. Seriously, they’re the best. Anyway, the day went extremely uphill from there! The sun came out and in my Haruhi cosplay I was requested many a time for pictures.



My friends were ridiculously accommodating to me around the meal times. While I spent hours flipping out in the shop picking up sandwiches and salads and putting them down and picking them up again, they waiting patiently and helped me decide. They came with me to look at the bar venues and asked where would be easier for me. They were gold to me and I can’t thank them enough. Food suddenly didn’t seem like such a problem here.

Lizzie and I  Friday - AyaCon2013

Lizzie and I
Friday – AyaCon2013

That night, we were exhausted and drinking didn’t seem to be on the cards for that night, so we turned in early ready for the next day we were sure was going to be epic.

And it was! I started by making use of the Fitness room at the Scarman accommodation. It was a small room containing a treadmill, an exercise bike (which for reasons covered in I refuse to use) an elliptical machine and a useless cable machine. I couldn’t strength train but I could get in some cardio which put my mind at rest. Breakfast made me nervous but I had my usual little bits of everything and handled it best that way. Again, my friends were a great help.
Me and Lizzie then spent the next few hours getting ready to be Disney princesses! I was so excited! Lizzie had spent weeks making my costume and aside from slightly too big it was PERFECT!! We had never practiced doing my hair but I’m fairly satisfied with the result.

Belle, Beauty and the Beast  Saturday - Ayacon 2013

Belle, Beauty and the Beast
Saturday – Ayacon 2013

Belle, Beauty and the Beast  Saturday - Ayacon 2013
Belle, Beauty and the Beast
Saturday – Ayacon 2013

Belle, Beauty and the Beast and Ariel, The Little Mermaid  Saturday - Ayacon 2013
Belle, Beauty and the Beast and Ariel, The Little Mermaid
Saturday – Ayacon 2013

We’re pretty cute right? I spent most of the day sat with my friends at their art tables but I had lots of fun! My photoshoot was sadly cut short due to my body temperature dropping and no access to an indoor suitable place for pictures, but it can’t be helped and I’m still happy with how it all went. 

That night we went to an Chinese Buffet. It was difficult to listen to my body of when to stop but I managed and that night…well. Alcohol.

Bourbons and Booze Saturday - Ayacon 2013

Bourbons and Booze
Saturday – Ayacon 2013

We’ll leave it that shall we!

On Sunday I went back to the fitness room, met Ricey for breakfast and prettied up for the day. I was exhausted but I had another good day. Admittedly I had a moment in the hotel room where I seriously considered a purge by making myself puke. Those of you that know me will probably know I have a phobia of throwing up. Not vomit itself, but the action of it. Those of you fortunate enough to have seen it will know just HOW scared I am of it and have held my breath and clenched my jaw in an effort to stopping it happening before. Failed attempts of course. Anyway, the point is I didn’t do it. I wanted to. Oh god I wanted to. I got as far as leaning over the toilet but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I knew what would come out wouldn’t be the Chinese anyway. It would just be coffee as that was all I had consumed.

Lolita Sunday - Ayacon2013

Sunday – Ayacon2013

That night was AWESOME. I drank unrestrained and just let myself be sociable. It was fantastic and I was happy.

The following morning I woke up hungover, humiliated and melancholy. I had lost my first con badge, made a fool of myself and realised I am so far from recovery. I missed my ribs and felt like I almost wanted to be skinny unto sickness. I was afraid and I didn’t know how to put my feelings into words. So I didn’t. I sat quietly on the grass, waiting for Lizzie’s dad to pick us up and avoiding eye contact with everyone. And then, I noticed something.

My friends and I have had colours associated with ourselves since we were 16. I was purple, Kayt was blue, Lizzie was green and Bex (who doesn’t go to cons) was pink. I looked down at the bracelet Kayt had bought us all and I realised that even though I’m the only one currently destroying my body (it really is no ones fault but my own) I’m certainly not alone. It’s effected everyone and I know I have people there for me. It’s important to really believe these things.

We are always together <3

We are always together

Smile for me,
Ansi xx

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