w i d e.

Once again guys I find myself apologising. I’ve not been doing so well, ashamed of my progress (or lack thereof). I guess when you starve yourself for so long, the knock on effect of needing to eat, rapidly and frantically, isn’t a short term thing. The binging cycles continue on but you’re past your purging. Inevitably you gain weight. You notice it. You try and do something, ANYTHING about it. But you end up gaining more weight. I’m trapped.

I continue on with behaviours I don’t notice til they’re pointed out. I make references to my weight in all conversations. I pinch and squeeze fatty areas. I keep my arms guarded round my midsection. Occasionally I slip into daydreams in which I can’t dismiss the thought of how I used to be. I run out of the gym when I notice how wide I am because I don’t deserve to be seen clutching weights after gaining so much fat. Get out of the sauna, you take up too much space. You actually sweat now, remember when that was so hard? I can’t get my shape off my mind. These things shouldn’t matter. There are more important things to worry about but the horrible sense of failure clings to you. You’re failing to be underweight. And that’s the most complicated part of guilt.

119lbs. 96lbs was my lightest and that never felt light enough.

119lbs. 8 and a half stone. 54kg.

No. I was horrified at 8 stone. Why can’t I stop eating?

You shouldn’t feel guilty for being a healthy weight. You shouldn’t feel like you’ve let yourself down. I still need to work on that. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I don’t know how to not.

When did I get fat on my forearms? Why aren’t there gaps between my fingers? Why does it take so long to reach my hip bone when I press my side?

I am repulsive. I am compulsive.

“Be kind to yourself”.

I very often hear I’m too hard on myself. Just about everyone says it. My boyfriend, my work colleagues, my gym friends, my KB masters, my parents, my closest friends.

Why can’t I see my collarbone?

Think of all those events coming up. What will people say? “You’re looking healthy” You’re looking healthy? What does that even mean??? Thanks for trying to compliment me and make me feel good but saying I look healthy is just another way of saying “You’ve gained weight”.

Get it off me.

The good news is, I’m getting back into the gym with a new workout. I am training with a girl with a similar background to me. She has fought her way back and she knows she can help me. Fingers crossed she can. Cause I can’t carry on this way.

All of my clothes are tight. And I the urge to just not eat is strong. But I’m giving this one last go. I didn’t realise how happy I was with my body in March until it was gone. Here goes…

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About ansistar

Ciao! Armed with a wooden spoon, I'm a 23 year old (18 at heart) Annie with an insatiable hunger to prove myself as something. Welcome to my blog where you will find details of my life and recovery and also my ChompTimesNom! recipes with my little mascot, Chompy. Stop for a coffee, why don't you? Keep smiling xx
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