So. It’s been a while.
I have been exceptionally busy these past two months. I changed jobs, had Kitacon, got a boyfriend and most importantly, moved out of home! I furnished it myself and am exceptionally poor but exceptionally happy with how I know my life can turn around from here.
My house is just incredible, my mum decorated it for me because she’s a legend and my dad has helped me sort out the important things like how the boiler works and getting broadband etc 🙂 I am absolutely ridiculously blessed to have those two in my life ❤
I guess I knew it would happen though. Since moving and having increased time alone, the ol’ ED habits have once again reared their ugly head and the effects on my body and wellbeing are ridiculous.
With a new relationship it’s pretty normal to gain some weight, increased meals out and gifts and getting sloppy with gym work. I tried to counter it but I was having too much fun to care so I guess in that respect I don’t care. He constantly says the right things and tells me he thinks I’m beautiful no matter what. Which is great but I already hated my body so now I HAVE gained weight it’s getting pretty hard to take.
When I was at my worst there were things I didn’t realise could happen to me.
I knew I would be cold, I didn’t know I could turn blue or somehow have this downy hair appear on me.
I knew I would be tired, I didn’t know I would be so tired I wanted to kill someone if I didn’t 100% with my heart like what they said.
I knew I would lose my periods. I didn’t know the first one back would be so painful I would be feverish and nauseous. And I definitely didn’t know I would be scared of infertility.
I knew I would slip up at some point in recovery, but I didn’t know how truly awful relapsing feels.
There were a lot of things that shocked me.The intensity of mood swings, the pain and noise of your body trying to digest food again, the heart palpitations of caffeine dependence, the days and days of trying to recover from a workout, the waterweight that fluctuates so badly you can go from a handful of excess on your stomach one day to a pinch the next, the bloating post sugar consumption, the gallbladder pain post fat consumption, the ridiculous stomach gurgles post ANY consumption. I don’t need an ED in my head to know it’s happening because I have constant reminders all day everyday.
It makes me wonder if anyone ever truly recovers as there are things I never even noticed I had before. Stupid things you don’t even think about, like having oil on your skin or being able recognise the feeling of being hungry and full. You don’t know you miss these signs of health until they’re gone.
Self control is all it comes down to, but it’s something I guess I need help with. As perfect as Si has been in getting me to a stone weight gain and starting to function normally again, he advises I see a professional to help with my head. But he’s still there for me, and it’s the greatest comfort.
The charity stopped replying.
The clinic never called.
The doctor didn’t take me seriously.
Yeah it’s embarrassing to admit I go through this. It’s more embarrassing thinking about who will read this and be too polite or awkward to acknowledge they know, or to tell my friends I’m still terrified of something as essential as food and self control. It’s pathetic, and it’s stupid. But hey, it’s me. And it’s what I deal with everyday.
I am not claiming to have it worse than anyone. I don’t think you have it any easier because you don’t have an eating disorder (if you don’t, that is). But this is how I have it. And even a year into recovery and experiencing my first relapse I know it can’t be the end. This will probably always been a part of my life but it’s not the only part.
I’m not reaching for your sympathy, just an explanation that it’s not quite as black and white text book as you think – as is with everything in life.
And now you know just a little more about Annie’s Secrets.
Smile for me,