So here I am, lying in bed and thinking about the next day and the horrible battles lying ahead.
Today I didn’t feel like I was craving food as much and I’ve been trying to figure out why. I haven’t worked it out but I wish I could so I could use it as my weapon to get through tomorrow. It’s amazing how just seeing people eat and enjoy food triggers me into an anxious mess. I LOVE food. Even when I’m full unto sickness I will want to eat. All day every day if could, food is always on my mind and dominates at least 80% of my daily plans. Some might say it’s an obsession. I’m always researching and experimenting as a way to make things easier on myself. But every time I find something that gives me a little hope, there’s contradictory evidence and I’m back to square one; too scared to try something different in case it makes me gain weight. But that;s the thing. I NEED to gain weight. I know I do. But I can’t think of anything in my life that frightens me more than that.
And that’s the worst part of it all. How low and pitiful must my self esteem be that I can’t go a day without having an idea of all food situations I might be placed in. If I want pasta then I should eat pasta! But I can’t let myself. If I do I feel like I’ve done something wrong even though I haven’t.
Today I was hungry for the first time in ages and it felt good to wolf down my healthy stir fry. But because I feel full now and hit a decent calorie mark I feel fat and disgusting and like a failure. I felt like a failure yesterday because I struggled to reach my target.
Am I ever going to be satisfied?
So this was just a vent as the thought occurred to me and was so horribly depressing I had to get it out lest I actually rip the feelings from my insides with my bare hands. Because that’s how it feels. Like they’re stuck to me.
Don’t ever do this to yourself. Learn to love and appreciate it for what it is.
As a general update I’m still writing my blog post about my real eating problems and when they started and how they’ve progressed. Please be patient because it’s hell to write. After you’ve had some insight I’ll be posting up some my fitness progression and some recipes and food posts too. Looking forward to it!
Smile for me